"Ooh, he's uttered his first viva voce"

With school standards seemingly in permanent decline, Our Man in Scotland, David Farrar has come up with a novel fix. He said: "I have a better idea. Every newborn child in Scotland should be given a PhD, signed by "education" minister Cathy Jamieson. All teachers can be fired; the rest of us can enjoy a huge tax cut. School buildings could be used as places where computerphobes can work out their anger."

There was a time when PhDs were given out to clever people but now they are given out to people like Jack Cunningham and Mo Mowlem.